What to Expect When You're Unexpected
by MyraThorne
Summary: Batman is the Joker's Baby's Daddy. No, seriously! Pure MPREG Crackage ahead. You hath been warned!
1. Nauseous

Title: What to Expect When You're Unexpected- Chapter 1

Rating: R (but only for occasional naughty language in this chapter

Pairing: Batman/Joker

WARNING: PURE CRACKAGE AHEAD!!! You hath been warned.

WARNING 2: Yeah, there's been some MPREG talk lately, and this is what my sick little mind came up with. Bear in mind, this is being written by someone who can't stand MPREG fics (it's just not possible!!!)

WARNING 3: Anyone who flames me because this tale is MPREG will be laughed at. Because you didn't read my first warning. But just to make sure we get the point across: PURE CRACK!!!!! CRRRRAAACCCKKK!

Summary: After a visit from Mr. Mxyzptlk, Batman is the Joker's baby daddy.

Disclaimer: I don't own shit. If I did, do you think I would be posting this for free? Well, maybe I would, because DC sure as hell wouldn't let me right this. But, as a matter of course, the characters belong to DC/Nolan/Fox/WB/whomever isn't me. I make no money. And I really don't have anything to give you except my Batman graphic novels. And, seriously, why would you big wigs want that?

* * *

Mr. Mxyzptlk was bored. Bored, bored, _bored!!_ But what to do about it? He could go and play with Superman, but that was just not as exciting as it used to be. What he needed was a new playground. Some place where no one had heard of him.

* * *

It felt as if he had been traveling for ages (two weeks, if you were concerned about such trivial things). But after perusing different universes, Mr. Mxyzptlk happened upon one that caught his eye. There seemed to be no magic here what so ever. Lots of science, no Superman.

But the Batman of this world, now there was something interesting to behold. Especially with this world's Joker.

_"I don't want to kill you! What would I do without you? Go back to ripping off mob dealers? No, no, NO! No. You... you... complete me."_

_"To them, you're just a freak, like me!"_

_"I had a vision, of a world without Batman. The mob ground out a little profit and the police tried to shut them down, one block at a time. And it was so... boring. I've had a change of heart. I don't want Mr. Reese spoiling everything, but why should I have all the fun? Let's give someone else a chance. If Coleman Reese isn't dead in sixty minutes then I blow up a hospital."_

_"Oh, you. You just couldn't let me go, could you? This is what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object. You are truly incorruptible, aren't you? Huh? You won't kill me out of some misplaced sense of self-righteousness. And I won't kill you because you're just too much fun. I think you and I are destined to do this forever."_

The Joker was truly a man with a vision that Mxyzptlk could enjoy. All those wonderful explosions! The way he could make an entire city run around like that, turn on its fellow citizens? Priceless.

Too bad he was locked up in Arkham at the moment.

But Mr. Mxyzptlk was always willing to help someone out.

Provided it brought him a fair bit of entertainment.

* * *

The Joker looked up in surprise at the midget that had seemingly just appeared in his cell. _Must be slipping drugs in the food. Note to self: start trading food with other prisoners._

"Ah, can I help you?" the Joker asked his mysterious visitor.

"Oh, no no no, Mr. Joker, the question is: how can _I_ help _you_?" The little man took a step back, bowed deeply over one leg and removed his hat with a flourish. He looked up at the Joker with a sly grin. "And I most certainly can help you."

Well, you don't kick opportunity in the balls after it knocks and you bothered to open the door for him. You at least heard him out. "And, what can you do for me?" The Joker eyed his strange little guest wearily. He didn't look like a patient, but one can never always tell the patients from the psychos in Arkham.

"You might say that I'm a huge fan of your work. The disappearing pencil trick? _Fabulous_! That timing in the bank heist with the school buses? _Brilliant_!" Mxyzptlk straightened and put his hat back on his head. "A pity that Batman interfered with your last little scheme."

The Joker started to circle around the other. "Really? So glad to have a fan. But I do believe you said you could help me?" If this little fool could get him out of here, he would let him live that long.

"What if I told you I had the power to grant wishes?"

Oh, for fuck's sake. Question answered: this guy was a patient.

The Joker coiled in around Mxyzptlk's neck. "And if I pop your head off, will I find lots of candy inside?" he hissed.

Mxyzptlk sighed. "I don't have time for this, Mr. Joker. Like you, I am a busy man-"

"Who grants wishes," the Joker finished disbelievingly. He tightened his grip, and then there was nothing there.

Mxyzptlk sat on the bed, grinning cheerfully at the Joker. "I just realized how rude I've been. I haven't introduced myself. My name is Mr. Mxyzptlk, from the Fifth Dimension."

Joker bit at one of his scars while his eye twitched. Maybe that freak Dr. Crane, or Scarecrow, or whatever personality was talking to people today, had slipped something in the food. Because people do _not_ just disappear and reappear like that. Nope, no way, no how.

The little man continued: "And I would like to grant you a wish." He held up a warning finger as the Joker opened his mouth. "But I should tell you, make sure it's a good one. Because you only get one wish. And you can't wish for more wishes or any of that nonsense. So, what would you like?"

The Joker, who was usually ready with some kind of comeback (even if it was a bullet to the spleen), could think of nothing to say. But he was doing an excellent interpretation of a fish out of water.

Mr. Mxyzptlk was getting bored. This guy seemed like a lot more fun. He summoned up a couple of small stars to play with, juggling them effortlessly. "I don't have all day, Mr. Joker." Mxyzptlk grinned, throwing two of the stars past the Joker's head, where they lodged themselves in the cell door. "Actually, I have all of eternity, but you don't. So, please make up your mind."

And the Joker blurted out the first coherent thought to come into his mind:

"I want Batman."

Mr. Mxyzptlk leaned forward. "Are you sure? 'Cause once I put things into motion, there's no changing it."

"I _really_ want Batman."

With a wave of his hand, the two stars went supernova and blasted the cell door open. Mr. Mxyzptlk floated over to the Joker and put his hand on the Joker's shoulder. "Ask and ye shall receive!" the small man cackled.

The Joker gasped as a strange warmth went from his shoulder into his belly. "What the hell was that?" he gasped, scratching at his belly. He pulled the uniform away, expecting to see… well, he didn't know exactly what he thought would be on his skin, but he expected to find some kind of mark there. "What did you just do to me?"

"You're a free man, Mr. Joker. Free to reap the rewards that your wish shall surely bring!" Mr. Mxyzptlk announced grandly. "Just go to the end of this hallway, take a left and you will come to the elevator that will take you to freedom."

"But what did you do to me?" the Joker demanded, trying to choke an answer out of Mxyzptlk.

Mr. Mxyzptlk easily evaded the grasping hands. "I thought you wanted out of this place to get to your Batman? I mean, from what I've seen, you two were _clearly_ made for each other." As he started to fade from sight, Mxyzptlk cackled, "All I did to you was help create something to bring the two of you closer together." And then he was gone.

Well, hallucination or not, the door _was_ open and it was time to go. Arkham was dull, and it was time to play with Gotham some more.

* * *

_TWO WEEKS LATER_

It had taken the Joker nearly two weeks to get back into full swing. There was gasoline and bullets to procure. A new suit. Some hair dye (blond really wasn't his color). All the old familiar trappings that made him… _The Joker._

The Joker was bent over a table, looking through maps of the city's sewer system. Maybe it was time to make a little something out of that whole "there's alligators in the sewer" myth. Or maybe-

"Schiff, what are you watching?" the Joker snapped. He was feeling oddly bloated today and kept having to go to the bathroom.

Schiff, the ever loyal henchmen, looked at his God nervously from the coach. "Just watching the news, Mr. Joker, sir," Schiff stammered. "No mentions of Batman yet, they're just talking about animals that are up for adoption."

The Joker grabbed a hammer and was about to smash the television set when the overly chipper blond held aloft a soft, wriggling corgi puppy. All sparkly eyes and adorable little paws. He had always wanted to have a puppy. But his father… or was it his mother? Grandmother? Third grade teacher? Said he just wasn't responsible enough to handle a puppy.

"_And this little fella, named Scamper, was brought to the ASPCA just last week. He loves long walks and cuddling,_" the woman on the television was saying. _"Isn't he just precious?"_

"Mr. Joker, sir, are you all right?" Schiff asked nervously.

"Huh?" The Joker snapped out of his reverie.

"Um, are you… well, that is… your eyes are leaking, sir." Schiff promptly pissed himself and ran from the room screaming like a little girl.

The Joker reached up and touched his face. His fingers came away with a mixture of grease paint and what appeared to be tears.

Suspiciously sniffing and wiping his hand on his pants, the Joker muttered, "Must be allergies or something."

Still sniffling a bit, he turned to see two other recent recruitees walk into the room. They were carrying bags of food. The smell of greasy chickens wafted up to the Joker's nostrils.

The Joker's stomach promptly starting doing acrobatics. "Fuck," he muttered as he made a mad dash for the bathroom and heaved up what little had been in there.

Glaring at the swirling toilet, the Joker slammed the seat down. "What the hell is going on?"

* * *

Safe in the fifth dimension, with a television to monitor his new favorite "show" and a fresh bucket of fried chicken, Mr. Mxyzptlk cackled to himself. "Oh, this is going to be good!"


	2. Psedocyesis

_Two Weeks Later_

Thomas Schiff was a very nervous person by nature. Paranoia will do that to you. Add in the fact that he had been unmedicated for just over a month. Now let's stir in the fact that they were about to be late because his Lord and Master, the Joker, made him pull over to hurl forth his breakfast.

Again.

Like he had done nearly every day for the past week.

The Joker had banished all fried foods from his presence, as they seemed to bring on these strange bouts of vomiting. But today it seemed that Schiff's driving was the culprit. _Note to self: Kill Schiff or get him driving lessons._

_Easier to kill._

"What the fuck," the Joker muttered, wiping his mouth on the back of his hand. Slamming the car door shut, he leaned back with a petulant thud and closed his eyes. "Drive on," he snarled, imperiously waving a hand.

Schiff pressed the full weight of his foot on the gas pedal, hoping to make up for lost time. This instantly made the Joker's stomach drop twenty floors, then charge back up to punch him in the uvula.

"Pull over, Schiff! Pull the fuck over!" the Joker howled, clutching his stomach. The car had barely come to a stop as he threw open the door to violently get rid of the bile that was left. Spitting on to the ground several times, the Joker groaned, "This sucks."

After several more stops, Schiff finally managed to get them to the Gotham City Children's Cancer Center. Two cars filled with guys in clown masks pulled over from across the street behind them.

Stumbling to his feet (the Joker noted to himself that he hadn't really been able to keep much in the way of food down for the past few days), the Joker looked blearily at his men. _Wait_, _what was the plan again?_ Memory had also seemed to be a bit of a problem for the Joker the past few days as well.

One of the clowns reached into his pocket and pulled out what appeared to be a small candy, offering it to the Joker. "Uh, my granma always used to give me these to settle my stomach," he mumbled.

Taking the candy and sniffing it, the Joker popped it into his mouth. The bite of ginger tickled his tongue, but did seem to settle his stomach. Turning he noticed a woman with three children, one of which was in a baby carriage, staring at him with her mouth open. The little girl was trembling in terror against her mother. The little boy apparently thought that this was the coolest thing he had ever seen and stared with wide-eyed amazement. "What the hell are you lookin' at?" the Joker snapped around the ginger.

"Puh-please don't hurt my children," the mother whimpered.

Now, normally, this is where we get some knife waving and some crazy- but somewhat believable- story about the Joker and his scars. Maybe a small speech about the unfairness of life and needing to teach that to children as soon as possible.

But as the Joker dangerously approached this small family, terrifying glint in his eye, knife at the ready-

He glanced down at the baby carriage. Inside was a perfect cotton candy pink baby wrapped in the fluffiest white blanket and sucking her wittle thumb, clutching s brand new stuff rabbit in her sleep. The Joker reached down and picked up the baby, cradling her ever so delicately in his arms. He swore he heard "Rock a Bye Baby" starting to play as he stroked her cheek.

"Are you just the cutest wittle girl. Es you are! Oh, es you are!"

No one knew what to make of Baby Babble Joker. Not Schiff, who had stopped twitching he was so in shock. Not the mother, who was torn between snatching her infant away and not pissing off the homicidal clown.

And certainly not the Batman, who had just finally happened upon the scene.

Grinning stupidly, the Joker turned and happened to see Batman. The Joker skipped over to his favorite winged rodent and proudly showed him the baby. "Isn't she just precious?" the Joker cooed. "Don't you just love babies?"

Batman's eye twitched. What madness was this? Perhaps the Joker had planted a bomb in the baby's diaper. "Yes," Batman said slowly, nearly forgetting to use his "bat" voice. "Babies are very… precious and adorable."

"Don't you just won't to hold them and squish them and give them millions of kisses?"

Batman starred at Joker blankly for a moment.

"Are you on drugs, Joker?" he asked in all seriousness.

The baby woke up and gave a big yawn. "Oh," the Joker sighed. "Isn't she just the cutest?" He pushed the baby into Batman's arms, lightly stroking the back of her head.

The baby spit up on Batman, then went back to sleep.

Batman promptly gave the baby back to her mother, who took her children and fled while vowing to herself that she was moving to nice, safe Metropolis the first chance she got.

"Joker, what are you doing here?" Batman demanded. He noticed that the Joker's men, save Schiff, had all taken the opportunity to flee like scared rats.

"Oh, I was thinking about blowing up these poor cancer ridden kiddies, but now I'm not so sure," the Joker admitted. He suddenly threw open his purple over coat and started examining his belly. "Do you think these pants make me look fat?"

"Er. What?" Batman didn't look up as he tried to clean up the "present" the baby had deposited on his uniform.

"Do these pants make me look fat?" The Joker demanded, sounding more like his… well, normal isn't the right word, but what other word is there? Sounding like his normal self.

"Why would I care how fat your pants make you look?" Barman grumbled.

Bad choice in words, Batman, as any woman who has ever been pregnant can tell you. But, then again, the Batman never really was any good with women.

However, he knew when he was about to have a problem on his hands the way the Joker was tensing up, flicking his tongue repeatedly over his lips and biting at one of his scars. Batman braced himself for-

The Joker bursting into tears.

Batman looked to Schiff desperately for help.

An angry Joker, Batman could deal with. A psychotic Joker, Batman could deal with. A Joker waving a detonator in his face and threatening to kill innocent children, Batman could deal.

Weepy Joker freaked Batman out.

"Um," Batman murmured. He reached out and lightly patted the Joker's shoulder. "The pants… don't make you look fat?"

Now Joker started to howl. "You think I look fat!!!" he wailed.

Thankfully, it was at this time that Gordon and a SWAT team pulled up. Batman was too shocked to remember that Gotham PD still thought he was enemy number one and get the hell out of there.

But they were equally shocked but the sight of the Joker with his makeup streaking down his face and hiccupping.

Batman began to wonder if maybe he was the one on drugs. Maybe he really had a terrible case of the flu and he was really home in his bed, hallucinating. Yeah, that's it, this was all really a nasty hallucination-

"Joker, why are you… um, why are you crying?" Detective Bullock ventured, gun out and approaching slowly.

"Buh-Buh-Batman thinks I look fat!" the Joker sobbed, sniveling.

"I never said you look fat," Batman grumbled defensively. "I just said why would I care-"

"Oh, it's always about you, you, _you!"_ the Joker shrieked, pulling out a hand grenade from his pocket. The tears had miraculously stopped. "You never notice me! " He took the pin out and held the grenade over his head. _"It's always the people of Gotham over me!"_

Hurling the grenade into the crowd of cops, the Joker grabbed Schiff and ran like hell.

Fortunately, the grenade was a dud, or there would have been a lot of dead police officers and one dead Batman, because they were all staring dumbly after the Joker's retreating form.

Bullock finally said, "What the hell was that about?"

* * *

_One Week Later_

Jonathan Crane had dealt with many truly insane individuals in his life.

But this one took the cake.

An hour ago, a car of the Joker's men had come screeching into his hideout and dragged him here. Where he had since been listening to the ranting and raving of the Joker. Crane knew that the Joker was volatile- they had spent some time together in Arkham.

Now, the Joker was genuinely being bizarre.

The Joker vacillated from angry raving to sobbing back to raving, then swerving into simpering. He went back to sobbing, ran off to vomit twice, and was now back to raving.

Crane managed to stay calm through the maelstrom that was the Joker.

Finally, after twenty minutes of listening to the Joker ramble, Crane held up a hand. "Before I tell you what I think, why aren't you wearing a shirt?" he asked steadily.

At one point, and Crane was pretty sure it was between vomit session one and two, the Joker had ripped off his shirt and hurled it in Crane's face.

"Because it is chafing my nipples," the Joker muttered, crossing his hands across chest and wincing.

"So, let me get this straight," Crane said, pursing his lips together and removing his glasses. "You have been vomiting for three weeks. You have strange mood swings, including crying jags-"

"I don't cry!" the Joker sobbed.

Crane sighed loudly threw his nose. "You have strange mood swings. You feel bloated. You have frequent urination. And now you have increased nipple sensitivity?" _Don't laugh, don't laugh!_ Crane warned himself mentally.

"Yes," the Joker snarled, his sobbing having ceased and swinging back into anger.

"Well, if you were a woman, this would be the point when I would ask you when was the last time you menstruated and have you been sexually active recently," Crane deadpanned.

The Joker stared. "What?"

"You are showing common signs of being pregnant." Crane put on his glasses and gave a snarky smile. "However, you are a man and that it impossible. Perhaps you should be seeing a psychiatrist regularly. There is a disorder known aspsedocyesis, or phantom pregnancy, in which a woman is so desperate to be pregnant that she actually begins to display signs of being-"

"I'm not crazy," the Joker muttered.

"Well, without further testing, I can only tell you my opinion based on my professional experience," Crane retorted calmly. "I am a psychiatrist-"

"Were a psychiatrist," the Joker spat petulantly.

"And that would be my diagnosis," Crane continued as if uninterrupted. "You should probably go see an oncologist. A general internist. A phlebotomist. Someone who can tell you if this is all in your head or if there is really something wrong with you."

The Joker scoffed at him. "And people say I'm crazy."

******

* * *

**

_Three Hours Later_

After much sneaking around (which was very difficult for the Joker), the Joker sat in the bathroom of a cheap motel glaring at the little stick in his hand.

The plus sign glared at him.

******

* * *

**

_Thirty Minutes Later_

The Joker looked at the three sticks sitting on the bathroom sink.

"Well, these things don't have 100% accuracy."

******

* * *

**

_Two Hours and Thirteen Home Pregnancy Tests Later_

****

******"Shit. I need to see a doctor. And then I'm going to kill that little freak."**

_Author's Note: That's all for now until I get home from vacationing with the fam! See you all after the new year!_


	3. Safety First

Pregnant.

He was pregnant.

_The Joker was pregnant._

How the hell could this be possible? He was a man, for fuck's sake. Men don't get pregnant.

Except when creepy little midgets magically appear in your cell at Arkham and do something to you.

"Well, now what the hell do I do?" the Joker muttered, sitting on the end of the cheap motel bed, his head in his hands. "I'm not ready to be a mother."

"You're going to be a mother?"

_God damn I hate Schiff and his boundary issues. _

_One Week Later_

The Joker was rolling around on his mattress trying to get his pants to close around his waist. He had been rolling for close to fifteen minutes now. Obviously these pants had shrunk in the wash.

If he did wash.

With a snarl, the Joker ripped the pants off and threw them in a growing heap of "shrunken" pants near the door. "Maybe I should just wear sweatpants," he snarled, curling up in the fetal position.

The image of himself and Schiff in matching purple sweat suits jumped into his head. "Oh, hell no."

Speaking of Schiff, said man popped his overly perky head into the room. Ever since finding out about the baby, he had gone into mother hen mode. Which was starting to creep the Joker out.

"I got something for you!" Schiff chirped, holding out a paper bag.

The Joker snatched the bag and dumped the contents on the mattress. Several books stared up at him. "What the hell is this?"

"Well, I'm guessing that for the most part your pregnancy will be like a woman's, so I thought you would need some materials on what to expect," Schiff explained.

"A woman? A woman?!" the Joker shrieked, sitting up. His vision swam and he lay back down with a huff. "I'm not a woman," he muttered petulantly.

Schiff smiled good naturedly and sat next to him, patting his shoulder. "Of course you're not a woman, sir, but you are pregnant." Schiff picked up one of the books and pointed to a part he had all ready high-lighted. "Now, according to this, dizziness, faintness, and fatigue are all to be expected during your second month. Are you paying attention? There's so much that you need to know-"

_Oh, this is going to suck so bad, _the Joker groaned inwardly.

* * * * * * * * *

The Joker's eyes popped open. He had fallen asleep. Again.

Damn, Schiff's books were right.

Looking around blearily, he realized it was night time out. And he still hadn't filled up the library fountain with piranhas.

Bah, that was boring. Maybe he should release the tigers from the zoo. Blow up a few bridges? Set off fireworks in the lobby of Wayne Enterprises? So many wonderful choices.

But first, food.

Glaring at the pile of pants, the Joker pulled on a pair of ratty sweat pants he owned. He glanced down and noticed that it was getting a little harder to see his own feet. "Shit," he grumbled. How much longer was he going to be able to hide this?

Looking around to make sure he was alone, the Joker grabbed one of the damned baby books that Schiff had left him on the mattress. Flicking on a lamp, he started reading.

After a few moments, the Joker growled and threw the book aside. He really needed something to eat.

The first thing he noticed when he walked out into the normally darkened hallway was the glow. "What the hell is this shit?" he hissed.

"Oh, that's so that you won't accidentally slip and fall because you can't see in the hallway!" Schiff supplied brightly, appearing suddenly at the Joker's shoulder.

The Joker kicked one of the many nightlights that Schiff had glued to the wall. It blinked out, and Schiff immediately pushed it with a toe to reilluminate it. "See, one of the books I read explained that you may be having troubles with balance and soon you won't be able to see your feet, making it difficult to get around," Schiff explained. "And we need to think about your safety, and the safety of the baby! So, I've been making our hideout safer."

"Safer?" the Joker mouthed. _Oh now what has he done?_ With a sense of trepidation, he walked towards the kitchen.

Upon entering the kitchen, the first thing the Joker noticed was that it was spotless and reeked of bleach. All of the light bulbs in the room now worked. Schiff had installed what appeared to be railings to every wall. The table edges had been wrapped with bits of what appeared to be old towels, as had the countertop edges. Not a single sharp object was in sight.

"Now, Mr. Joker sir, you really shouldn't be walking around in your bare feet," Schiff admonished, brandishing a pair of slippers under his nose. "Wouldn't want you to slip!"

Rolling his eyes, the Joker huffed noisily and put on the green slippers. He shuffled over to the refrigerator and yanked open the freezer. _Well, there's nothing a little ice cream can't fix._

Ripping the top off of the ice cream tub, the Joker was shocked when his stomach rolled as the smell of the ice cream assaulted his nostrils. With a glower at the traitorous ice cream, he threw it in the sink. He rifled through the refrigerator in disgust. "There's nothing to eat here," he mumbled, finding only rotting fruit and several questionable chunks of meat.

"Why is there nothing to eat here?" he demanded of Schiff.

"We, uh, we haven't had time to get any new food yet, sir," Schiff stammered, starting to sound a little like his regular self.

And so it came to pass that the Joker and Schiff found themselves standing in the middle of an empty grocery store. The patrons and staff had long since fled in terror.

The two men were now trying to figure out the mystery of over the counter multi-vitamins.

Well, Schiff was.

The Joker was riding the shopping cart up and down the aisle.

"Just pick one out all ready," the Joker whined, whizzing by Schiff yet again. "I'm hungry."

"Listen, the wrong combination of vitamins could cause big problems," Schiff explained.

"Can't we get some food first?"

Before Schiff could answer, Batman magically appeared in front of the Joker and his cart. Batman reached out to stop the clown cart, causing the handlebar to slam into the Joker's gut.

With a grunt of pain, the Joker's hands clutched at his belly as he was knocked off the cart and onto the grocery store floor. He stared in shock at the ceiling.

"What the hell are you up to, Joker?" Batman snarled. He stalked over to Schiff and grabbed at the bottle in his hand. "Why are you stealing-" Batman frowned in confusion. "Pre-natal vitamins?"

Schiff rushed to the Joker's side, poking and prodding nervously. "Are you all right, sir? Does anything hurt? Cramping? Hemorrhaging?"

"I'm fine," the Joker grumbled, standing up slowly with assistance from Schiff.

Batman looked between the large pill bottle and the two criminals. Rumor had it that the Joker had stolen close to fifteen pregnancy tests a week ago. _Oh sweet baby Jesus, he knocked some girl up._ Visions of a Joker crime family flitted through the bat brain, a shudder to accompany it.

"You know, you need to be more careful of me, Bats," the Joker said. "A person in my condition-"

_What the fuck?_

"-needs extra special care. You can't just go around _slamming,"_ a Joker-esque arm wave to boot, "things into their bellies."

Batman realized he would have to play along with this lunacy to figure out what was going on. "Joker, what are you talking about?" Batman asked.

"I'm in a family way, Bats," the Joker responded.

Batman blinked. He blinked again, slowly. "What?"

The Joker's tongue flicked over his bottom lip in frustration as he pointed to his lower half. "The rabbit is dead. Aunt Flo ain't comin' to visit any time soon. I've got a bun in the oven."

Batman cocked his head to the side, looking suspiciously like a confused cocker spaniel. "What?"

"I. Am. Pregnant."

"What?"

"It's true!" Schiff piped up. "A little flying gnome man appeared in his cell at Arkham and made the Joker pregnant."

Batman stared.

"Oh, fuck this shit, I'm going home."

As Batman turned to leave, it hit the Joker like the proverbial ton of bricks. _I really want Batman._

"You little bastard," he muttered to himself. The Joker then shouted at Batman's retreating form. "You're the father."

Batman froze. "You are not pregnant," he snarled. "Men can't get pregnant." He continued stalking out of the grocery store.

The Joker chased after him, Schiff close behind. "No, no it's true! You are my baby's father! I figured it out! See, I made this wish-"

Batman spun around. Grabbing the Joker by his shirt, Batman slammed him into a shelf of sodas. "You. Are. Not. Pregnant."

"Oh, I do not get paid enough for this," Detective Bullock snapped.

Joker and Batman looked over to see two members of the Gotham Police Department had finally arrived.

"I think it's high time I took up drinking on the job. You in?" Bullock asked the young man next to him. The two walked out of the grocery store.

Batman dropped the Joker unceremoniously on the floor. "Let me know when you want to do something normal, like blow up a day care or something." Batman continued his retreat, the Joker running after him.

"But I am having your baby!"

"No, you're not."

"Yes, I am."

"No, you're not."

Batman was thankful to see that the two police officers had all ready left by the time he got outside. This was too much insanity for him, and he didn't want any getting a laugh at his expense over something like this.

"I am so very pregnant, Bats," the Joker was continuing to rant. He managed to catch up with Batman, grabbing Batman's hand and pressing it to his belly. "And it is so very your baby."

Batman jerked his hand back as if burned. "Even if by some ridiculous turn of events you are in fact pregnant, there is no way in hell I'm that child's father." Leaving a slightly stunned Joker, Batman got onto his motorcycle… thingie and turned it on.

He jumped when the Joker started slapping his head repeatedly.

"You are my baby's daddy!"

"Enough!" Batman roared, pushing the Joker away and speeding off.

Schiff ran over to the Joker, standing dejected on the sidewalk. He watched his master nervously, as the Joker's face shifted between several emotions rapidly.

Swiping at weepy eyes, the Joker sniffed. "I'll prove to Bats I'm pregnant."


	4. Jerry! Jerry!

Title: What to Expect When You're Unexpected- Chapter 4  
Rating: R (but only for occasional naughty language in this chapter)  
Pairing: Batman/Joker, Joker/Others (briefly mentioned this chapter)  
WARNING: PURE CRACKAGE AHEAD!!! You hath been warned.  
Summary: After a visit from Mr. Mxyzptlk, Batman is the Joker's baby daddy.

_Three Weeks Later_

Bruce Wayne stared at his cell phone in shock. "Excuse me, Commissioner Gordon?" he nearly squeaked.

"Look, don't ask how, but I know you're Batman. Now put on your damned Kevlar suit and get down to Gotham General," Gordon snapped through the phone. "The Joker is… damn it, you have to see this to believe it."

"I'll… be right there."

* * * * * * * *

Gotham General Hospital was surrounded by police vehicles and reporters as Batman watched from the shadows. _What had he done this time?_ Batman groaned inwardly.

Moving stealthily through the shadows, Batman approached Gordon. "I'm here," he growled, managing to avoid being noticed by the press.

Strangely, none of the police that noticed him made a move to arrest the Batman. _Naturally, when they can't handle it themselves, it's "Oh, we forgive you, Mr. Batman! Please save our asses!" And then it's right back onto the most wanted list._

Gordon took the end of his dying cigarette and used it to immediately light another. He shook his head in disbelief. "The Joker has taken the hospital hostage. He says he'll blow both it and two nursing homes up if you don't go in to meet with him," Gordon explained. He handed a manila folder to Batman. "He sent these out. He said you would understand."

Flipping through the pictures, Batman felt his stomach drop.

"We don't know who he has up there," Gordon continued. "But he sent out all of these sonogram pictures-"

Rubbing his eyes in disgust, Batman practically threw the folder back at Gordon. "The Joker is convinced he's pregnant," Batman said tonelessly.

Gordon stared. "What?"

Sighing loudly through his nose, Batman repeated himself: "The Joker is convinced that he is pregnant. Apparently, he is trying to get us to buy into his current delusion."

Commissioner Gordon didn't know whether to laugh his ass off or be horrified. "What are you going to do?" he settled for asking Batman.

"Go in there, meet with him, and beat the crap out of him until he gives up on this damned pregnancy nonsense."

* * * * * * * *

The Joker smiled brightly over his sonogram pictures, cooing at the itty bitty speck that was his baby. Schiff was busy hounding an obstetrician he had found with questions so as to better tend to his master's health.

"Now, when will be able to hear the baby's heart beat?" Schiff was asking as he furiously scribbled notes with an orange crayon in a notebook.

"Um, ah, probably within the next few weeks," the doctor answered, nervously wiping sweat from his brow.

Batman came storming into the room. "Joker, what-" Batman froze. "What… er, what?"

The Joker was lying happily on an examination table, his pants open and his belly covered in gel. His grin grew even wider at Batman. "Look! Proof that I am in fact _pregnant!"_ he crowed, waving one of the sonogram pictures at Batman.

Groaning, Batman pinched the bridge of his nose. _I will not kill the Joker. I will not kill the Joker. Killing is bad._ "You are not pregnant," Batman bit out, refusing to look directly at the Joker.

"Ah, no, I am pregnant. And these little pictures prove it."

"I don't know where you got those-"

"They came from me!" the Joker chirped, a child proud with what he had done. "The doctor even checked on four different machines!"

"YOU ARE NOT PREGNANT!"

"Actually, he is," the obstetrician interjected.

Batman stared at the doctor in shock. "Don't feed into this stupidity!"

"I'm sorry, Batman, but I checked the results myself. I watched the technician take the sonograms on the last two machines. The Joker is pregnant." The doctor walked over and took several of the images from the Joker to show to Batman. "See, he has apparently developed some kind of uterus-"

"You used to be a woman?" Batman squeaked at the Joker.

"Nope," the Joker replied, rolling his feet back and forth on his heels. "Always been a man. I'm just a pregnant man."

Batman went back to staring at the sonogram images. _No. Just not possible. Just… not… possible!_

And yet, there was the truth staring him in the face.

"What's that?" Batman mumbled, pointing to one of the dark shapes on the paper in his hand.

The Joker lunged forward in a panic. "What's what?" he howled, grabbing the doctor by his neck and pressing a knife to his neck. "Is there something wrong with my baby?"

Schiff scampered over and pushed the Joker back by his shoulders tenderly. "You mustn't upset yourself, sir," he admonished, trying to adjust the Joker's pants. "Especially in your condition!"

The doctor righted himself. "That's what I've been trying to tell you, Mr. Joker, if your… associate here would let me get in a word edgewise."

"I have questions," Schiff muttered petulantly.

"The reason there are these two shapes in the sonogram is that you are having twins."

Nobody moved. If there had been crickets, they would have chirped. Thankfully, there were none, 'cause that would have been too cliché.

"Twins?" the Joker gasped. "I'm having twins?"

"Yes." The doctor tapped each of the shapes. "This is Baby A, and this one is Baby B."

"Did you hear that, Batsy?" the Joker squee-ed. "We're having twins!"

"I am not your babies' daddy!" Batman roared, punching a hole in the wall. "How many times do I

_The room tilted_

have to

_a little to the left_

tell you

_and swirled round and round_

that? What the fuck?"

Batman found himself sitting in a plush chair facing a studio audience. The Joker and Schiff were to the right of him, in the middle of the stage. The Joker was now wearing a red vinyl halter top and cutoff jean shorts. The stripper heels were a bit much though. Schiff apparently was channeling his inner nanny… from the Exorcist.

Next to the three were a confused Harvey Dent and Jonathan Crane, both dressed in their Arkham finest.

The lights came up and the crowd started chanting: "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!"

Instead of Jerry Springer, a short man in a tweed suit appeared out of nowhere. "Good evening, folks! Mr. Springer couldn't be here tonight. But I am your guest host, Mr. Mxyzptlk," the little man crowed, bowing to his guests.

"Where are we?" Harvey snarled, his left eye glowering menacingly from his scars.

"You fine gentleman have been brought to the Jerry Springer Dimension," Mr. Mxyzptlk explained, "to answer a very important question:

"Who is the Joker's baby daddy?"

"To hell with all of you!" Batman roared. He jumped to his feet and stormed off the side of the stage-

-only to walk right back on the other side.

"I think you will find that his dimension is relatively small, Bats," Mxyzptlk grinned. "Not very far to go at all. So you might as well sit down and enjoy the show!"

The audience laughed and clapped.

Batman sat back down, more confused than ever.

"Now," the little host continued. "One of you three fine fellows knocked up the Joker. And today we're going to find out which of you it is!"

"The hell?" Harvey yelled. "I don't even like the guy! I've been trying to kill him. I can assure you there is no way in hell I'm that father to that freak's kids."

"Oh, I wouldn't be so certain about that Mr. Dent, or is it Two Face today?" With a wave of his hand, Mxyzptlk summoned a television screen that floated in the middle of the room. "Apparently, you and Momma Joker had quite the time a few months ago in Arkham."

It was like watching a train wreck. Batman stared in mute horror as he watched Harvey and the Joker… _what the hell is the banana… oh, fuck no! _"That's just wrong," he muttered, glaring at the Joker and Harvey.

"I swear, it meant nothing, Batsy," the Joker said apologetically, stroking Batman's thigh. "You're the only one I _really _care about."

Batman was too shocked to even swat the Joker's hand away.

"And what about that night with Scarecrow the night after that?" Mxyzptlk asked, raising a suggestive eyebrow.

"Ooooo!" the crowd catcalled.

Batman cocked his head to one side and tried to figure out just what the hell he was seeing. He got the school girl uniform on Crane and the nun's habit on Joker _How the hell did they get that in Arkham?_, but what was the spatula, the trampoline, and the baton-?

"Jesus, you are a real slut," slipped out of Batman.

"Well, maybe if you were more willing to meet my needs, I wouldn't have to go looking elsewhere!" the Joker sobbed, beating his fists against the Kevlar shoulder of a stunned Batman.

The crowd indicated that they were siding with the Joker.

"Well, if you were so busy giving it up to them, then there is no way that I could have gotten you pregnant," Batman rationalized numbly.

Schiff suddenly pulled out a bottle of water and a pill. "Time for your vitamins, sir."

"At least someone cares about my well being," the Joker sniffed, thankfully taking the pill.

"And why are you dressed like that?" Batman demanded, turning to look at the Joker. "You look-" Batman did not want to follow that thought any further. He like girls. Yep. Loved girls.

"Maybe I just want you to notice me!" the Joker wailed, standing up violently and knocking over his chair.

The crowd went wild in anticipation of a good fight.

"But no matter what, you are still the father of my babies!" the Joker yelled, pointing to his slightly distended belly.

Batman leapt up as well. "I am _not_ the father of those twins!" he shot back. He pointed wildly at Harvey and Crane. "They're the ones who fucked you senseless, not me, whore!"

"Oh, I'm the whore? Well, at least I'm getting some you stuck up bastard!" the Joker glowered.

"Actually, Batman, you are the father of these children," Mxyzptlk interjected with a Cheshire grin.

"What?" Batman roared, turning on the miniature talk show host. "That's just _not possible!!"_

Suddenly, the audience, Harvey, and Crane were gone, along with the television set. The three men (two still dressed like women) found themselves in the Batcave.

Mxyzptlk popped into existence above them. "Oh, but you are, Bats," he replied. "See, I was looking for a way to amuse myself and I found the Joker here. He said he _really_ wanted you. And what really brings you crazy humans together? _Babies!"_

Batman blinked slowly. "So… you got the Joker pregnant to bring us together?"

"And to give me hours of entertainment."

Batman stared for a moment. "That has to be the stupidest thing I have ever heard."

"Are you calling our children stupid?" the Joker gasped tearily.

Mxyzptlk took this time to disappear, leaving Batman to deal with his… guests.

"No, I am not, I'm just saying it's a stupid reason to get someone pregnant," Batman grumbled, dragging the Joker deeper into the cave. "What the hell am I going to do with you two?" he muttered to himself.

The Joker looked about in wonder, his high heeled shoes clicking on the rocks. "You know, sir," Schiff pointed out. "You really shouldn't be wearing those kinds of shoes. You could fall slip in here and one of these pointy rocks could hurt the twins!"

Batman spun around and picked the Joker up in his arms. "I just want you to know that I hate you both."

The Joker giggled, throwing his arms around Batman's neck. "Oh, once you get to know us better, you'll come to love us! If only for the children's sake."

Batman's night went from bad to worse when he saw Alfred staring at him open mouthed. He could only imagine what he looked like. _And here we have Batman, carrying in his hooker boyfriend-_

"Alfred, I can explain-"

"We're having babies!" the Joker shouted gleefully.

Alfred responded the only way that was appropriate in this situation.

Alfred snerked.

"Forget to use protection, sir?" he asked blithely.

Batman practically dropped the Joker into a chair. "Not exactly," he snapped. "There was this creature, something involving a Jerry Springer based universe, and apparently I'm the father of the Joker's twins."

Before Alfred could say anything, the Joker shrieked in delight. "You admit it! You admit!" He threw his hands around Batman's neck, pressing in close and hugging him. "You admit that these are your children."

Groaning, Batman tried to shake off the Joker with no success.

"Fine! I am your babies' daddy."


	5. Doppler is Fun!

Title: What to Expect When You're Unexpected- Chapter 5

Rating: R (but only for occasional naughty language in this chapter)

Pairing: Batman/Joker

WARNING: PURE CRACKAGE AHEAD!!! You hath been warned.

Summary: After a visit from Mr. Mxyzptlk, Batman is the Joker's baby daddy.

_Two Weeks Later_

The Joker was propped up in bed in the room that the Bat had set up for him and Schiff, staring at his chest. There was no denying it. The two lumps were there.

The Joker had boobs.

And quite a nice rack if he did say so himself.

Batman (also known as Bruce Wayne, the Joker had recently learned), was staring unabashedly at the Joker's new chest as well.

With a wicked grin, the Joker stroked his right breast , licking at his teeth. "See something you like, Big Boy?" he murmured.

"Guh," was about the most intelligent thing the Bat could choke out. He shook his head violently. Focusing on the floor, he ran a nervous hand through his hair. "Er, we need to get you to a doctor to make sure the twins are all right," he mumbled.

The Joker sat up on his elbows. "And, how do propose we do that, Daddy?" he smirked. "Bruce Wayne can't just take me into the nearest doctor's office. Might raise a _few_ eyebrows."

"Stop talking like that!" Batman barked.

"Like what?"

"Like Bruce Wayne is some other person, like someone I'm not."

The Joker rolled his eyes. "I hate to break it to you sweetheart, but you are Batman. Bruce Wayne is just who you pretend to be to keep all of this… stuff," the Joker gesticulated at the numerous computers and Bat-gear behind Batman. Rolling off the bed, the Joker sauntered up to the Bat. He playfully reached out and took Batman's hand, placing it on his growing belly. Purring, the Joker started to stroke along the Bat's arm. "You know what feel great right about now?"

It was at this point that Schiff came into the room with the Joker's breakfast.

The Joker could have shot him.

If Batman would allow him to keep any kind of weapons.

Schiff smiled brightly at the two men as he placed the tray of food on the dresser. "Time to eat, sir!" he grinned. "Have to keep the babies healthy!"

Grumbling under his breath, the Joker went over and started viciously eviscerating the insides of the grapefruit. "So, what's this about a doctor, Batsy?" he asked. He would get his Bat, oh, yes he would! It would just have to wait now.

"I need to get you to a doctor to have you checked out. Make sure everything is… where it should be," the Bat stumbled over his words as he watched in muted horror as the Joker attacked the toast with wonton abandonment. "God, I hate watching you eat."

"Why?" the Joker asked, some of the toast spraying out.

Rubbing his eyes in frustration, the Bat groaned. "Just… never mind. I have an appointment set up for you this evening with Dr. Smyth."

"Who?" The Joker started eating dripping fistfuls of grapefruit.

"The doctor who confirmed your pregnancy," Batman explained. "He's agreed to see you through this and not turn you into the police."

"How much did that set you back, Batsy?" the Joker grinned viciously.

"Not all that much. The chance to study the world's first pregnant male is apparently a very exciting prospect-"

"I am not some freak's science experiment!" the Joker snarled, hurling grapefruit guts in Batman's general direction.

"You're not an experiment," Batman attempted at placation, moving into at least get the food based projectiles out of the Joker's reach. "But you are going to need to see a doctor-"

Grousing, the Joker licked the grapefruit juice off his fingers. "You had better be right." He glanced over at Schiff who was setting out clothing on the bed. "What the hell is that?"

Schiff shifted nervously from foot to foot. He muttered under his breath.

"What. Is. That?" the Joker demanded, closing in on Schiff quickly.

Batman snickered as he picked up the offending article off of the bed. "It's a bra," he said, holding the red, lacy bra with the tips of his fingers and dangling it in front of the Joker's face.

"I know what a bra is, shit head!" he yelled. "What is it doing here?"

Schiff started ringing his hands. "Actually, it's a maternity bra, sir," he explained. "I was reading that you will need one to prevent… you know… _you know!"_

"No, Schiff, I don't." The Joker was trying to get the _bright_ red bra away from Batman. He had wanted to amuse the Bat, but this was not what the Joker had had in mind!

"Saggypostpartumbreasts," Schiff nearly passed out.

The Joker froze. "What?" he mumbled.

"I was reading that if you don't have proper support now in your pregnancy, your breasts will be saggy later on," Schiff explained, desperately wishing the cave floor would swallow him up. "And if you have to wear a bra-" and here Schiff started to whisper, "I thought you would want it to be a sexy one."

For the first time, the Joker found himself wishing for death. Mostly for Schiff, but some death for him too, right now, would not be unwelcome.

Batman laughed.

No, actually that wasn't right.

The Batman laughed so damned hard that he fell on the bed and had to hold his stomach, while gasping for breath. He managed to stop for a moment, caught sight of the bra again, and howled with laughter. He nearly pee-ed his damn $500 Bat Pants.

"Shut up," the Joker muttered. The Batman did not comply. "I said _shut up, Bat Daddy!"_ The Joker leapt at Batman and started slapping him anywhere that he could.

The two men wrestled with each other, both struggling for dominance. It didn't help the Joker's mood any that Batman continued to laugh.

Suddenly, the Joker found himself pressed with his back into the mattress with Batman looking down at him, torn between amusement and… something else. The Bat's grip on his wrists was a weak one.

"Excuse the interruption-"

_God damned Butler!_ The Joker groused.

"-but you are needed at Wayne Enterprises, sir," Alfred cut in.

If the Joker didn't know better, he could have sworn that Jeeves had waited for just that moment to come in. And it wasn't the first time. Hell, he had almost gotten a kiss last time…

"Of course, Alfred," Batman mumbled, standing up and straightening his suit. As he walked out, he glanced back at the Joker, he frowned. "See if you can come up with a suitable disguise for the Joker and Schiff so I can get them over to the hospital tonight."

"Of course, sir." Alfred glared pointedly at the Joker before leaving the two men to bras and breakfast. He was no fool. And he was going to make damned sure to interfere with the Joker's plans for his Bat as much as possible.

Muttering, the Joker pulled off his t-shirt (a gift from Alfred. It was bright pink and read "Pregzilla" on it.). _Well, no one wants saggy boobs. Least of all the Bat Man._ Sighing, he pulled the bra on and, after several abortive attempts, managed to get the damned thing on.

The Joker stood and looked at himself in the mirror (made out of some difficult to break substance, of course). "Well, that's not so bad," he complimented himself. "And it's a good fit too. Not bad for a guess, Schiff."

Schiff's eyes darted about. "I didn't guess," he muttered.

"Huh?"

"I measured you while you were sleeping and had Mr. Pennyworth order it for you."

The Joker was stunned into silence for a moment.

"Now you're starting to get kinda creepy, Schiff."

* * * * * * * * * * *

Batman had to admit that Alfred had done a very good job with the Joker, who was sitting next to him in the Batmobile. Schiff had mysteriously decided to stay at home, forcing Batman to be alone with the Joker.

In drag.

Full on drag.

Complete with wig, stockings, purse…

"You… um, you look nice." One would have thought that there was a gun pointed at Batman's head to get that comment out of him.

That little fact went right over the Joker's head as he beamed at Batman, straightening out imaginary wrinkles in his patterned wrap-dress. It wasn't in his usual purples, but it was very flattering to the red wig. He hated not being able to go out in his war paint, but that nosy butler was right that he really didn't want to bring unnecessary attention to himself. Especially not in his condition!

Batman pulled the Tumbler into the abandoned basement parking of the hospital. Dr. Smyth was waiting for them.

Batman managed to get out of the vehicle with relative ease. Getting the Joker out took some finesse, especially if he didn't want the Joker to wind up on his ass… like he did earlier trying to get into the Tumbler earlier. He just _had_ to wear the spiked heels.

Though, they did flatter the Joker's calves nicely…

_Not going there! I am sooo not going there!_ Batman berated himself as he helped the Joker get out as gracefully as a pregnant man in a dress could get out of the Tumbler.

Dr. Smyth was polite (and smart) enough not to make any comments until the Joker was standing up, clothing straightened out.

"Well, doctor, shall we do this then?" the Joker asked brightly, sounding oddly feminine.

The three walked into the mostly deserted hospital. They walked past the morgue. This was normally the Joker's favorite place to go in any hospital.

Today, it made him nervous. He clutched at his belly as they walked by. "Where are we going, doctor?" he mumbled.

"It's just a little bit farther," Dr. Smyth explained. "I had an examination room prepared for you down here. Not that many people in this part of the hospital." The doctor opened one of the doors and led his two guests in.

"Wait a minute." The Joker dug his heels in, refusing to walk all of the way into the examination room. "What is this room used for?"

"It's used for autopsies usually," Smyth said bluntly. "Normally I would take a woman upstairs to be examined, but you aren't a woman. More importantly, you are Gotham's most wanted criminal. So, unless you want to spend the rest of your pregnancy locked up being poked and prodding like cattle-" Smyth patted a gurney that he had set up for their use.

Grumbling, the Joker hopped up onto the gurney.

The doctor began his examination, listening to the Joker's heart and what not. The Joker was feeling antsy. He balked when Smyth pulled out a needle and vials. "Oh, hell no," he growled, trying to get off the gurney. Batman held him tight. "I'm not going to have any blood left!"

"Relax, the doctor knows what he's doing," Batman soothed.

"He had better," the Joker bit out venomously. He used the opportunity to play damsel in distress and press himself into Batman's chest, pretending he didn't want to look when Smyth snapped the tourniquet on his arm and began drawing blood.

Batman unconsciously started to rub soothing circles on the Joker's back. With a contented sigh, the Joker found himself relaxing into the Kevlar chest-

"All done!" Smyth announced, capping off the final vial.

Batman pulled away, letting the Joker fall back huffily on the bed. Why did everyone around him have such shitty timing lately? "Will that be all, doctor?" the Joker nearly spat.

"Well, if you like we can try to hear at least one of the babies' heart beats," Smyth offered, holding up a device.

"What's that?" the Joker's mood shifted to glee. _Hear the babies?_

"A Doppler. It's still a bit early yet, but we may be able to hear something."

"Well, let's do this then," the Joker enthused, slapping the gurney.

Smyth pushed the dress out of the way and pressed the one end of the device against the Joker's stomach. The Joker held onto the speaker in near desperation.

At first, the was only the soft rushing noises of his own body.

Then-

Then-

Like a rapid drum beat, there it was.

A heartbeat.

"Listen, Batsy, listen! The baby… its heart… can you hear it?" the Joker squealed with almost childlike glee, pressing the speaker to Batman's ear.

Batman was in awe. He stroked the Joker's belly in what would appear to someone one who didn't know better to be lovingly.

He was going to be a _father._This was _his_ baby's heart beating.

Holy shit, this was really happening?

"_Bats?"_ came from the distance.

Batman had forgotten to breathe and passed out.

_And if you're interested, I was playing around with photoshop and came up with this delightful picture in my spare time. I just might be doing a few more manips for the lulz. .com/myrathorne/pic/00001tqp/_


	6. Me Love You Long Time

Title: What to Expect When You're Unexpected- Chapter 6

Rating: R (finally, some smexing this chapter!)

Pairing: Batman/Joker

WARNING: PURE CRACKAGE AHEAD!!! You hath been warned.

Summary: After a visit from Mr. Mxyzptlk, Batman is the Joker's baby daddy.

_Three Weeks Later_

At first, Batman lived in a nice state of delusion.

After passing out from hearing the heartbeats of his children (which, ironically, the Joker had found more touching than funny), the Joker had been oddly… attentive to Batman. Batman had woken to find his head in the Joker's lap, which was being gently stroked by said pregnant clown. The Joker had beamed at him as he had jumped up to his feet.

The next few days consisted of equally bizarre behavior from his nemesis.

The Joker started demanding that Batman spend more time with him, "I am the mother of your children!" he was reminded.

Batman had tried to avoid this duty only once.

The Joker had responded by covering the Tumbler in frosting. _Pink_ frosting.

And judging from the mess that Alfred had found in the kitchen, it was safe to assume that Joker and Schiff had discovered their way out of the caves.

Ground rules had been set down (not that Batman exactly expected the Joker to follow _rules_, but if he wanted Batman's continued attention he would have to play along for now), and the Joker and Schiff were given full access to the upstairs when no one else was around.

The next night, Batman and Joker started watching television together.

At opposite ends of the couch.

And that lasted a grand total of two nights, before the Joker started inching closer… closer… pressed right up tight to Batman. He smiled cheerfully at Batman.

Batman was uncomfortable, but figured that was exactly what the clown wanted.

Until the night the Joker put his hand on Batman's knee and his head on the other's shoulder.

Batman couldn't move. It was bad enough to be forced to watch some show on Discovery Health about babies ("It's educational, Batsy!"), but this was just too fucking bizarre.

Then the Joker's hand started to inch slowly up his thigh.

"Stop it," Batman muttered gruffly, pushing the hand away.

The Joker actually pouted as he turned to look up at Batman. "Come on," he purred, leaning in closer and rubbing a hand over Batman's chest. "It's not like anyone is going to know. It's just you and me in here, Big Bat."

"Gah! Knock it off! What the hell are you doing?" Batman nearly flew off the couch, knocking over the coffee table in his haste to stand.

The Joker gave no quarter, leaping to his feet just as quickly and wrapping his arms around Batman's waist. "It's been so long for me," Joker pointed out. "I haven't been with anyone since Arkham. It wouldn't take me that long, at this point."

_Oh, hell no. He is not actually suggesting that we-_

Garishly painted lips crashed into his, as the Joker pulled him into a desperate kiss. Batman gasped in shock, allowing Joker to slip his tongue in.

_No! No! No! Do not want! _

Unfortunately, Little Batman (ahem) did not get the message and started to respond the grinding Joker in front of him. Batman's hands also didn't get the message as they reached up and buried themselves in the Joker's hair _when did he start washing that regularly?_ Batman wondered idly.

_Bam!_

"What the hell was that?" Batman muttered, trying to turn his head away.

"Don't worry about," Joker groaned, digging his hands into Batman's shoulders. "It's probably nothing-"

_Bam! Bam! Bam!_

Batman managed to hastily disentangle himself. "No, that does not sound like 'nothing', Joker," he muttered running into the library.

_Bam! Bam!_

"What the hell is Schiff doing down there?" Batman murmured, noticing that the strange noises were coming from behind the faux book shelf.

_Schiff will die painfully for this,_ the Joker seethed, following Batman into the cave.

The two men descended into the Batcave to find Schiff running around and brandishing two hand guns, with more tucked into his belt. His eyes were wild as he continued shooting into the roof of the cave.

_Bam! Splat! Bam! Splat!_

"Thomas Schiff, what the _fuck_ are you doing?" Batman roared.

Schiff started and looked like a bunny caught in the headlights. It was then that Batman noticed the dead bat bodies littering the floor.

"I'm going to regret asking this: why are there dead bats on the floor? And why in the hell are you shooting them?" Batman asked slowly, praying for the strength not to break his one little rule and strangle Schiff.

"Well, I… ah, read that cat feces is bad for developing mothers," Schiff explained, twittering occasionally. "And since bat sounds like cat, I figured guano wasn't too good for Mr. Joker either. So, the bats have to go."

Both the Joker and Batman stared at Schiff in open mouthed shock.

"That is the stupidest thing I have heard today," Batman finally snapped.

"Well, Batsy, he might be right. All this shit can't be good for us," the Joker pointed out, making it a point to cover his nose.

"And neither is having a bunch of rotting bat corpses," Batman snarled. "Besides, it will take him forever to shoot them all."

Schiff's eyes suddenly lit up. "Is that a _flamethrower?"_he squealed in joy, nearly knocking the Joker over as he tore at the object he had spied.

Before either man could help or hinder him, Schiff had the mysteriously yet conveniently placed flame thrower on his back and continued his genocide of the Batcave Bats with a laugh of maniacal glee.

The Joker walked up behind Batman and wrapped his hands around his waist. "There's really no stopping him now. We might as well just go back upstairs and finish what we started," the Joker tried to entice him.

"Um, no," Batman grumbled, trying to break out of the Joker's grip. But the Joker managed to hold on like a terrier with a rat. "I'm not into men!"

"Oh, don't knock it until you've tried it, baby." The Joker slipped one hand lower, teasing over Batman's Armani pants (why did he have to dress like that twat Wayne all of the time?). "You just might like it. I promise to be gentle, since it's obviously your first time."

"No, no, no!" Batman squealed, shoving the Joker away roughly and tearing back up the stairs, trying to find safety.

Behind him, Batman could hear the Joker skipping up the steps and Schiff howling:

"_I love the smell of napalm in the evening!"_

Before he even had a chance to shut the door and lock the Joker in the cave, the Joker had slipped out and was spinning Batman around, giggling. Batman managed to slip away, but the Joker continued to prance behind him and herding Batman toward one of the mansion's numerous bedrooms.

"Damn it, Joker, knock it off! I am _not_ having sex with you!" Batman roared in one last attempt at defiance.

The Joker's face darkened, as he pushed then threw Batman onto the bed. "List to me, you son of a bitch," the Joker roared. "You got me preggers, and god damn it, I fully intend to enjoy the act with you at least once. And being all by my lonesome just ain't doin' it any more. So this night is only going to end one way: with your dick up my ass. You can either lie back and enjoy it, or I can make your first time a living hell."

Batman's mind kind of blanked out after that point. Clothing was torn off and discarded on the floor. He and the Joker were kissing each other, desperately, passionately, in a war for dominance. Something had slickened the Joker's hand and was rubbed along his cock, and then there was warm heat… _Good god, that feels good. No, no… yes, yes, more!_ Pants and groans, sloppy kisses and clutching hands, then-

"Fuck, yes!"

_Oh, god, was that me?_ Batman wondered. _Fuck, I think that was me._

The Joker cried out happily, something warm and sticky on Batman's belly…_Wait, when did I get to be on top?_

The two lay next to each other, staring at the ceiling for very separate reasons.

The Joker rolled over, purring like a content cat and burying himself in Batman's side. "Not bad, lover," he murmured, running his fingers lightly up and down Batman's sternum.

_I did not just do that. Oh, I so did not just do that… Fuck, I just did that._

The Joker's hand started to dip lower. "Care to go for round two?"

_Quick! Kill the mood quick!_

"Hey, Joker, since you're a man, where will the babies come out of?" Batman blurted out.

The Joker popped up on one elbow to look at Batman quizzically. "Huh?"

"Well, I know where a baby comes out of a woman when it's born." Batman looked at the Joker in all seriousness. "How are the twins going to get out of you when it's time?"

The Joker suddenly gave it thought and his stomach dropped.

_What part of his anatomy where the twins going to pop out of?_


	7. First Date

Title: What to Expect When You're Unexpected- Chapter 6

Rating: R

Pairing: Batman/Joker

WARNING: PURE CRACKAGE AHEAD!!! You hath been warned.

Summary: After a visit from Mr. Mxyzptlk, Batman is the Joker's baby daddy.

Author Note: The restaraunt mentioned in this chapter actually exists in Batman, Turkey.

_Three Weeks Later_

"Surprise Sex!"

Batman groaned in frustration as the Joker came hurtling into the Bat mobile, completely naked. He had had a very long night battling with some new psycho calling himself "The Riddler". He had managed to _finally_ managed to trip up the Riddler with his obsessive need to solve riddles, and all Batman wanted to do now was sleep.

Tell that to his lower anatomy, which had decided it was time to be fully awake as the Joker threw his mask out of the vehicle and started tearing off whatever pieces of Kevlar suit he could get his nails under.

"I don't suppose there's any getting out of this?" Batman mumbled, finally helping with the removal of his protective suit. In the past few weeks, he had learned that it was just better to give into the insane, hormonal clown's demands.

The one time he had managed to tell the Joker "no" ended with him waking up covered in pudding and feathers from multiple destroyed pillows. The amused looks from Alfred alone had pretty much ended Batman's attempts for good at trying to deflect the sex-crazed, pregnant maniac.

So Batman was bi-sexual. He could live with that. Yep, bi-sexual.

Rational thought fled from the hero's mind as Joker started a slow bounce and grind in his lap. "Fuck, god, yes," Batman moaned, his hips snapping up of their own accord. He reached up, burying his hands in the Joker's hair and pulling him down for a deep kiss. The Joker shuddered into orgasm, pulling Batman after him.

Joker calmed for the moment (though it would most likely be a short moment at best), cuddling in close.

The Joker suddenly gasped in surprise. "Did you feel that?" he squealed joyously.

"Er, feel what?" Batman asked warily. While the Joker's moods had settled down for the most part, every now and again he would slip off the deep end.

"_They moved!"_ the Joker yelped happily, grabbing Batman's hand and placing it on his ever growing belly.

At first nothing happened. Then, a slight fluttering occurred beneath Batman's hand. "Jesus, that's really them, isn't it?" he asked in awe. It was still amazing to think that something so wondrous was growing inside of this madman. Something that he had helped to create.

The Joker snuggled back in and started tracing lazy circles on the back of Batman's hand. "Do you think they'll be boys or girls?"

"I really haven't thought about it that much," Batman admitted. "In a few weeks we can go back to the doctor and take a peek, I suppose." Pushing back the Joker's hair, he lightly kissed the Joker's forehead. "I'll be back in a little bit. I need a shower and a change of clothes."

The Joker watched as his lover disappeared from site, continuing to sit in the Bat mobile and rub his belly.

"What's going to happen after the babies are born, sir?" Schiff asked, appearing from nowhere. He seemed to be getting very good at doing that lately.

"What are you talking about, Schiff?" the Joker snapped. "Once the babies are born, Bats and I will raise them of course."

Schiff sighed loudly through his nose, resting his chin on his hand. "No offense, but it's not like you two have much of a 'relationship'. What if he kicks you out and keeps the kids for himself?"

The Joker really wanted to kill Schiff in that moment.

"I mean, what reason does he have to keep you around after the birth? Other than sex, you two really haven't done much together," Schiff pointed out, nervously pulling at his hair. "You might want to think about doing something about that, sir."

The Joker really, really wanted to kill Schiff. With a spork.

"Maybe you should do more than fuck him, sir," Schiff suggested. His people reading skills never were the greatest. "Like go out to dinner, and like… I don't know, talk and stuff. Become a big part of his life, so he won't want to get rid of you later."

Damn it, Schiff had a point.

_Three Days Later_

Things had been moving along swimmingly the past few days for Batman. The Joker seemed satisfied with just one round of sex a night and had been keeping out of his way for the most part. Not that he didn't enjoy lots of sex. But… well, damn! Lately the man seemed damned near insatiable.

Tonight has gone well so far. He had managed to get some major mobsters arrested. Gordon has told him that the press was getting ready to start spinning Batman in a positive light again. What more could he ask for? Maybe being allowed to take a shower before the Joker gave him his nightly molestation-

"Eh… hey, Bats, whatcha doin'?"

_What the flying fuck?_

"Joker, what are you doing on this frequency? It's for emergencies only, and even then, it's only supposed to be used by Alfred," Batman ground out, gripping the wheel tightly. _Oh please, let it be a Chinese food run the man wants._

"Well, you see, Batsy, I've been thinking," the Joker explained. "You and I don't spend nearly enough time together… you know, getting to really know each other. So, I've been planning something for the last few days-"

"I thought you didn't plan," Batman foolishly cut in.

"_I plan when it's god damned important, you son of a bitch!"_

Batman winced. If sucked at relationships with women, his skills with pregnant men were apparently even worse. Managing to get a placating tone into his voice, Batman replied, "So, what is it you have been planning?"

"Guess what I'm wearing?" the Joker chirped.

"Not while I'm driving, clown," Batman growled. "Remember what happened last time?"

"It's not like you killed anybody," was the petulant response.

"I'm sure the postal service would share your view after I managed to take out two mail boxes."

"Three!" the Joker reminded him.

"Fine, three."

"Anyway, I'm not naked. So, guess what I'm wearing."

"I don't know."

"Party pooper. I'm wearing this cute little black fringe dress with a lovely little pair of heels. I even put on the red wig you like so much. Now: guess where I am."

_Oh, hell no._

"In my bed room?" Batman asked hopefully.

"Nope. Guess again."

"In the dining room?"

"Sorta," the Joker giggled. "I'm in a dining room at the new Turkish place, Isot Lahmacun. Do you know where that is?"

Batman nearly drove off the road and ran over some nuns. "You're out in public?" he managed to bite out without screaming.

"Don't worry, no one would recognize me with the makeup job that Schiff did," the Joker cooed. "Now, get over here as soon as you can, 'Bruce', and have dinner with your pregnant cousin Jackie."

_Forty Minutes Later_

Bruce Wayne entered Isot Lahmacun. It was the new hip place to be if you wanted to be seen. Several belly dancers were performing between tables that sat low to the ground. The rooms were dark, deep reds and purples everywhere.

A hand shot up and waved him to a corner table.

"Damn," he murmured appreciatively as he looked over the Joker. The scars had been hidden under some kind of material- latex perhaps? - and the red wig framed his face perfectly. A bit of material around the neck hid the obvious Adam's apple. In a dark lit place like this, someone would have to look closely to tell that the Joker was not an actual woman. Even his nails were perfect in a lovely shade of blood red. "You look amazing," Bruce finally managed to say as he sat down.

The Joker batted his eyelashes and look down demurely. "Why, thank you, dear 'cousin'." He propped his head up on one hand. "Hope you don't mind that I all ready ordered. According to Schiff, this kind of food is excellent for pregnant women."

Bruce nodded numbly, as a bottle of wine was placed next to him by some unseen waiter.

"Please, enjoy that. The waiter told me it would pair nicely with what I ordered us. I won't know this time, though," the Joker sighed wistfully, patting his belly. "Maybe next time."

Bruce finally managed to get his bearings about him. "What's with dinner, if you don't mind me asking?"

"Well, Schiff and I were talking, and I realized I don't know all that much about you, Bats. And we felt it was high time that you and I got to know each other."

Bruce raised a disbelieving eyebrow. "And you would actually tell me the truth about your past? Or am I supposed to tell you everything while you get away with making up stories?"

"I'll tell you some version of the truth," the Joker replied noncommittally.

"Well then, after Joe Chill was killed, I ran away to become a circus performer in Moscow. Unfortunately, I was kidnapped by lemurs and forced to do their bidding. I managed to escape after drugging them all and then I returned to Gotham to become Batman."

The Joker glowered. "If you aren't going to take this seriously-"

"It's a version of the truth," Bruce shot back. Taking a deep breath and a deep drink of his wine, Bruce smiled stiffly at the Joker. "How about we agree not to discuss the past at all if neither one of us is willing to tell the absolute truth."

"Fine," the Joker mostly mouthed at Bruce. "I used to live near Chicago. Lived there for about three years, right before I came back here. While I was there, I was working for a construction company in demolitions."

Bruce stared at the Joker in shock. "Really?" he finally managed to ask.

The Joker sighed loudly. "What does it matter? Why do you need to know so much about where I come from? Who I was before Gotham? I still am who I am. Knowing how I got here isn't going to change that, just make you feel a little better when you sleep at night when you can tell yourself: 'So, that's why he is the way he is.' But it won't change the fact that I am the way I am." The Joker started to viciously tear apart a piece of bread. "Your turn."

_Fair is fair._

"I tried to kill the man who killed my parents, but the mob beat me to it. So I ran away thinking I could find my answers somewhere else. I traveled the world for seven years pretending to be someone I'm not only to have someone force the truth under my nose. It was because of this man that I ultimately took the last step into becoming Batman."

"You nearly broke your little ole rule?" This would get the Joker's attention.

"I'm glad I didn't, because it would have made me no better than the very people I fight against."

"Even though the 'good' people hate you? Even though locking up the criminals does nothing to stop the problem? If they're dead, they can't commit anymore crimes, 'Brucie'."

"I believe that people can learn. Not everyone but some. And if I kill them, then there is no opportunity for them to change."

"Even me?" the Joker asked innocently.

"Yes," Bruce asked without hesitation. "I believe that even someone like you can change given the right motivation. I don't know if you will ever reach that point, but I believe that it is possible."

"You know, if I change, you'll need to change, too. Meet me half way, as it were," the Joker pointed out, some strange meaning in his voice that Bruce didn't quite grasp. Or maybe it was just that he didn't want to grasp it.

It was at this time that plates of food were put in front of the couple. The Joker immediately tore into the hummus. "Not as good as the real thing, but damn close!" he said around a mouthful.

"You've been to Turkey?" Bruce asked.

"Nope, Egypt. And I think I might have been to Morocco once too. And before you ask, I was young, there was a lot of wine and god only knows what else, and that's why I'm not sure if I've been to Morocco."

Bruce nodded, eating a _dolma_. "Have you traveled the world much?"

The Joker shrugged. "Been around Europe in my college days, for as long as those lasted. Again, my memory gets a little shady from the afore mentioned reasons. Which is why you should just say no, or you will miss out on some of the best experiences of your life." The Joker silenced himself with a kabob.

"I'm not so sure about that. How do you know you missed out on the 'best' experiences of your life? For all you know, Europe would have bored the hell out of you anyway. Or, if you hadn't been in an altered state, you might have gotten yourself into real trouble?" Bruce challenged. The Joker raised his eyebrows at Bruce in genuine shock. "I mean, it's not like you can go back in time, right? So, life is what life is. And regret won't change that. Sure, there are some things that I would do differently if I had the chance, knowing what I know now. But I wouldn't be who I am today if I hadn't done what I did."

"Careful, Bats, you're starting to sound like me," the Joker pointed out, gesturing with the kabob stick. "But you do make an excellent point. We are who we are because of what we've done. And there's no changing it."

"But you can change who you will be if you really want to."

"Now you're just getting unnecessarily philosophical on me when all I wanted was for us to have a nice night out."

Suddenly, the belly dancers descended on the couple, eagerly pulling the Joker to his feet and enticing him to dance with them. At first he tried to back out, but then he caught sight of Bruce actually smiling and laughing. _Well, I'll try anything once._

The Joker followed what the girls told him to do. Though he was a little clumsy at first he managed to master a couple of basic moves. His hips moved from side to side, he undulated around his belly, all the while keeping eye contact with Bruce… Batman. Whoever. Did it really matter right now? This was the father of his children, and soon they would be together forever. Even if the Bat didn't know it yet.

Smiling warmly, the Joker floated back to the table and sat close to Bruce. "How much longer until you finish eating?" he purred in Bruce's ear. "I have a private show for you back in the limo, if you want."

Bruce swallowed thickly.

Damn clown.


	8. The More Things Change

Title: What to Expect When You're Unexpected- Chapter 8

Rating: R

Pairing: Batman/Joker

WARNING: PURE CRACKAGE AHEAD!!! You hath been warned.

Summary: After a visit from Mr. Mxyzptlk, Batman is the Joker's baby daddy.

Author's Note: Just thought you would all like to know that this chapter marks the half way point in the Joker's pregnancy. It's been 20 weeks of fun for him! Woot!

_Two Weeks Later_

The Joker gave a sob of pleasure as Batman slowly ground into him. "Damn it, move faster!" he begged, fisting his hands in the sheets. But his lover refused to meet his demands, keeping him on the edge but refusing to let him plunge over. Batman could be quite the bastard sometimes. Not that the Joker wasn't completely enjoying himself at the moment.

It was nights like these that the two of them truly enjoyed together. Batman's… work hadn't kept him out too late, so there had been time to watch a movie, fool around on the couch… and now this.

Batman suddenly picked up a brutal pace, fisting the Joker in rhythm. Lips pressed together, the two men clutched at each other as they came.

Cuddling into Batman, the Joker stroked his lover's chest. The last two weeks had been going well. He had managed to get the Bat to take him out on several more dates, and just (dare he think it?) started to seem to be warming up to the Joker's presence.

"We need to get cleaned up and dressed," Batman mumbled into his hair.

"Don't wanna," the Joker whined. "It's warm and comfy here." To prove his point, he buried his face under Batman's arm.

"But this is the big visit," Batman reminded him. "Today we can find out what the sexes of the twins are."

"I wanna be surprised," the Joker replied.

"You aren't the least bit curious now?"

"Fine." The Joker petulantly got out of the bed and waddled over to the bathroom. Glancing down at his belly button, the Joker pushed on it. "What the fuck? When did my innie become an outtie?"

"What?" Batman snorted, walking up behind the Joker to look at the offending body part. He lightly poked the belly button, only to receive a quick swat on the back of his hand. "Maybe once it sticks out so far it means you're done. You know, like a turkey thermometer?"

"Stuff it, Bats," the Joker snapped.

"Well, we _haven't_ had shower sex in a few days," Batman pointed out.

And that was a very good point indeed, as far as the Joker was concerned.

* * * * * * * * *

Dr. Smyth looked up to see Batman and the Joker standing in the door way of the examination room. The Joker was tsking and muttering about being forced to come to the morgue again.

"Well then, up on the table you go," Smyth said cheerfully. "All of your blood work once again came back perfectly fine." He had learned quickly to avoid use of the word "normal" around the Joker.

The Joker struggled onto the gurney/table with much help from Batman. Smyth noticed that the two had been growing more affectionate with each other, continuing to hold hands even after the Joker had been settled on the gurney.

After the examination, Smyth started to pull out the ultrasound equipment. "Now, I just need to take a peek at the twins to see how they're developing. Have you decided if you want to know the sexes of the children?"

"Yep!" the Joker chirped happily.

Smyth carefully peeled down the stretchy part of the Joker's pregnancy jeans and pushed up his cashmere sweater (when did the man start wearing so much pink?). Warming up his hands a bit, Smyth carefully spread blue gel on the Joker's large belly and then placed the transducer against his skin.

Almost instantly, the outline of one twins' head could be seen on the screen, causing the Joker to squeal in delight. He nearly knocked over the gurney in his excitement to twist the monitor to give himself a better view.

"Easy now," Dr. Smyth murmured, moving the transducer around to get a better look at the twins, occasionally pushing a button to take a still picture.

The Joker pulled Batman's hand up to his face, grinning at him. "Aren't they perfect?" he cooed.

Batman leaned in closer to the Joker, hugging his shoulders. "They certainly are." _A father. I'm going to actually be a father. Little fingers and toes… _

Dr. Smyth pulled the transducer away and started printing out the ultra sound pictures. "Well, the good news is that the twins look perfectly healthy. Are you sure you want to know the sex?"

"Damn it, just tell me all ready!" the Joker bounced on the table in excitement.

"It's one of both." The doctor pointed to each of the twins. "This one on the right is a boy, and the one on the left is a girl."

And true to form, Batman passed out.

_Meanwhile, back at the Batcave…_

Schiff was busy looking through various catalogues on baby room decoration. Alfred had been "cleaning" the cave for the better part of an hour. It had been decided that Schiff was not to be left unattended after the flame thrower incident. Usually, the Joker kept Schiff out of trouble.

"What about a pirate theme?" Schiff asked, glaring at puffy elephants and smiling monkeys. "Oh! I know! We could decorate the twins' room in a Night of the Living Dead motif!"

"I think not, Mr. Schiff," Alfred sniffed. "Zombies are not very… infant friendly."

"Clowns?"

"Mr. Joker might take offense to that one."

"True," Schiff admitted. "And the babies' room should reflect both their parents."

Suddenly, Alfred was gone, replaced by Mr. Mxyzptlk. "What in the hell are you doing?" he growled at the now cowering Schiff.

"I'm sorry!" he whimpered. "I tried to do as you asked!"

"If I wanted to just watch humans fucking all the time, I would have gone to the porn dimension. Now either you keep up your end of the bargain, or the deal's off!"

Mxyzptlk disappeared, and Schiff found himself outside of the mansion. What to do, what to-

"That's it!"

* * * * * * * * *

The Butler was waiting nervously for the hero and the villain when they returned to the Batcave. "What is it, Alfred?" Batman asked gruffly. He really wasn't in the mood for any kind of a buzz kill right now.

"It's Mr. Schiff, sir, he's disappeared."

"What?"

"One minute he was here, the next he was gone," Alfred explained.

"He's probably just somewhere in the house," the Joker muttered.

"Actually, according to the homing beacon, he's at Arkham."

The Joker froze. "Homing beacon? You put a homing beacon on him?" He spun on his heel to glare at Batman. "Is there one on me too?"

And Batman calmly inserted his foot into his mouth.

"Of course there is."

"Don't you trust me?" the Joker shrieked, flying at Batman and gripping his arms.

"Not entirely," Batman admitted. "Only a few months ago, you were hell bent on killing me and everyone I know. You really think a pregnancy is going to change that?"

Schiff's previous comments suddenly came back to the Joker. Batman had no intention of keeping him around. He thought that nothing had changed, that this was all some stupid game the Joker was playing with him.

"I mean, sure, things have been great the last few weeks, but how long will it really last, Joker? How long before you go all 'agent of chaos' on me again? On Gotham again? A few weeks of good behavior doesn't simply undo what's happened in the past."

Damn him. Damn him. Damn him.

"I will show you," the Joker bit out as he stalked off. He had some serious thinking to do.

The Batman watched as the Joker retreated into the cave.

"Do you think that was a wise thing to say, sir?" Alfred chided him.

"It had to be said eventually," was Batman's reply. "I'll deal with him once I get back with Schiff. Hopefully that twitchy little fool hasn't gotten up to too much trouble."

_Meanwhile, in the bowels of Arkham_

"My god, the Joker really is pregnant," Crane was finally admitting, looking at the pictures that Schiff had brought him.

"Yep," Schiff grinned. "Now, I'm going to need some help preparing the baby shower-"

"Schiff, what the hell are you up to?" Batman barked, hauling him to his feet by his shirt collar.

"Um… I-I can ex-explain?" Schiff stammered.

"So, are you the babies' father?" Crane asked with amusement.

_Meanwhile, back at the Batcave… again_

The Joker was sitting amidst a pile of papers, crayons, and paste. Alfred would occasionally walk by the agitated clown, but for the most part left him alone; except at one point to bring him a fluff and peanut butter sandwich he had a sudden urge for.

Muttering to himself, the Joker made and unmade ideas. He would show Batman that he _had_ changed.

The Joker would always be an agent of chaos, but he would do it to _help_ his Bat.

Then Batman would truly understand his devotion to making this family thing work.

What could possibly go wrong?


	9. Fish Fight

Batman groaned tiredly as he pulled the Batmobile… damn, was he really calling it that now? He muttered dark curses under his breath at the Joker for having dubbed his precious Tumbler with such a horrid nick-name.

As the top pulled back, Batman emerged stiffly from the… Tumbler. He had spent a long, fruitless night trying to find out where Schiff had disappeared off too with no luck. The homing beacon had been working fine, leading him straight to Arkham, and then the signal just disappeared.

He had tried interrogating a few of the prisoners, but no one claimed to have seen the man.

Batman ground his teeth in frustration as he shed the various pieces of his costume before making his way back up to the mansion. At least Schiff did not seem to be creating enough trouble to raise any alarms on the police channels yet.

Now if he could just sneak in a hot shower to himself without-

"What the fuck?" Bruce gawked.

"The Joker said this place was entirely too dreary and could do with more color, sir," Alfred explained, seeming to appear from the ether. "This was the 'simplest' thing the two of us could agree on."

"But… but… how? Where? In the middle of the night? Where?" My , but isn't he an intelligent one right now?

Alfred sniffed a little priggishly. "Well, with the right amount of money, there are few pet shops willing to remain closed, Master Bruce," he explained, going over to dust the… monstrosity fastidiously with a feather duster. Bruce frowned. Since when did they start using feather dusters? They were hardly hypo-allergenic.

"Clown fish, Alfred," Bruce finally managed to get out once he had his thoughts back in order. "There is a 1000 gallon aquarium full of _clown fish_ in my study."

"You should see what's in the master bedroom, Master Bruce," Alfred suggested brightly. Perhaps a little _too_ brightly.

Bruce Wayne actually paled and made a mad dash for his precious bedroom. As he pounded up to the top of the steps and rounded the corner, he slipped on the hard wood floor. Crashing to his knees, Bruce realized he probably should have at least put on a pair of slippers before leaving the cave. Running around in his stocking feet was not the brightest idea he had had so far in the past month.

His yelp of agony brought the Joker skipping out of the bedroom. The deranged clown was wearing… oh, dear god no.

The Joker was dressed as Ariel the Fucking Little Mermaid. "Batsy!" he squealed, running to his lover's side. "Are you alright? Where does it hurt? Do you need to go to the hospital?"

Bruce bit back his instinct to push the clown away. "No, no. I'm fine, just a banged knee," he griped, rising to his feet with some help from the Joker. Once he was upright, he pinched the bridge of his nose. "Do I want to know what you did to my bedroom?"

"_Our_ bedroom," the Joker corrected him with a tsk and a wag of his finger. "And what did you think of my little addition downstairs?" He pressed himself in close to his bat, cuddling the arm as he wrapped himself around said arm. "I didn't want our little babies growing up without proper stim-u-la-tion!"

Bruce posed for a minute outside of the bedroom door. "Clown fish, though?" he queried. "Isn't that a little, I don't know, obvious?"

The Joker twittered. "I saw them after the bedroom purchase and I just couldn't help myself!" he crowed gleefully.

Bracing himself, Bruce entered the bedroom with an armful of clown. "What. Are. Those?" He knew what they were, but his mind and eyes just weren't connecting right now.

"Barracudas!" the Joker declared proudly. "Aren't they beautiful?"

Bruce's left eye twitched a couple of times. He was torn between screaming, "Oh, hell no!" and demanding the Joker let him know where he found that many barracudas in Gotham. In the middle of the night, no less.

"They're… lovely," Bruce finally bit out. "And you got this all assembled so quickly." His mind was in a complete daze.

"Yup! And tomorrow, some men will be coming to install the floor tank in the children's playroom!" the Joker continued on happily, pulling Bruce over to the bed. "I ordered all _kinds_ of fish. Then our babies will be able to go in, play and look at all of the pretty fishies!"

Bruce jumped up from the bed. "And you did all of this without asking me first?" he demanded.

The Joker's eyes started to tear up, but who knew if they were real tears. "I thought… It's for our _children,"_ he whimpered.

Shaking his head, Bruce pointed at the Barracuda tank. "And this? What's your explanation for this?" he growled out, the Batman coming into play. "This isn't your house, Joker. It's mine. You can't go doing shit like this without my permission!"

The Joker leapt to his feet, stabbing Bruce in the chest with a swollen, water retaining finger. "Well, maybe if you were around more, I would be able to ask your permission!" he shot back. "And while we're on the topic, at least I'm taking an interest in the upbringing of our children!"

"Excuse me!" Bruce sputtered. "In what way am I not interested? I'm not 'interested' just because I don't want to play house with you?"

Lightening quick, the Joker slapped Bruce across the face- hard. He watched with some satisfaction as Bruce's head snapped back a little bit on impact. "I'm _not_ playing," he snarled softly.

Blinking in shock, Bruce stared at the Joker. "I… er, I didn't mean-"

"Oh, yes you did," the Joker ground out, clenching his fists at his side and turning away in a huff. "I've been trying to make this work, but you're just too fucking stupid to see it. Well, it's obvious I'm going to have to do something _bigger_ to get you to realize I'm in this for the long haul."

Rubbing his eyes in frustration, Bruce groaned. "Look, we both need to calm down before we talk about this any further," he finally said. "And it's clear we have a lot to talk about. But from now on, promise me no changes to the house without consulting with me first. These are the types of decisions we need to make as a-" Oh, hell, the Joker looked like he was about to squee for joy. Well, no going back now. "Decisions we need to make as a couple," he bit out.

The squee was released as the Joker threw his arms around Bruce's neck and covered his face and neck with kisses. "Oh, you're the best!" he squealed happily. "You'll see! This is going to be wonderful!" He pulled back when Bruce stumbled a bit.

"Sorry," Bruce apologized sheepishly. "I'm a bit exhausted."

The Joker fussed and helped Bruce the rest of the way out of his clothes then into a pair of sleep pants. The two men curled around each other under the covers.

"Hey, have you seen Schiff?" Bruce asked.

* * *

_Author's Note: Holy shit! After three years, the story returns! I hope y'all enjoyed it! Now, go review and let me know you're still with me. Also, I have a bit of writer's block: what crazy schemes would the Joker come up with to "prove" to his Bats he's "gone straight"? I'm moving him toward a more "Jokester" like persona by the end of the story.  
_

_Whee!  
_


End file.
